There is a tiny part of me that can’t actually believe that LittleTDJ turns 5 years old today. I’ve been accepting and rejecting this for the last couple of weeks. Five years old. A milestone of a birthday. His birthday makes me reflect upon a time when MrTDJ and I didn’t think that we could have children. It makes me smile and giggle about the shocking day that my doctor and I learned of LittleTDJ. In less than an hour, a routine doctor’s appointment to discuss my inability to conceive turned into me seeing the first heartbeat of our already 14 week old baby.
My eyes water and my nose tingles at the memory of my husband rubbing my pregnant belly while we tossed around names that were horrible compound words using our first and middle names. My pregnancy was an amazing time. I felt like the most beautiful woman on the planet and my husband reminded me daily that indeed I was. We had so many ideas, dreams, fears and plans for the little boy we would bring to this world. Our precious boy roared to life on January 13, 2009 at 11:03am. The lyrics to a Yolanda Adam song pop into my head, “You’re my little darling child, seeing you makes me smile, God Bless the day he sent my little angel to me.”
And an angel he is. Our son has shared his light, his love and his laugh with everyone he has encountered for the last five years and it has been amazing and enlightening. As a part of his autism spectrum disorder, there was a time were MrTDJ and I were worried that LittleTDJ would never speak. Even typing that sentence makes me howl with laughter. When MrTDJ passed away, our son was barely verbal. Today? I don’t know where he gets the energy to talk as much as he does. He is special is so many ways that I can’t describe because typing through tears is tough.
There is a part of me that remain angry that my husband is not here, but I continue to work thorugh those emotions. Our baby boy is growing and thriving because of God’s grace and mercy. He is sustained in ways that I didn’t think possible. I hope and pray that my husband is smiling upon the beautifully complex child that we created. Rest well MrTDJ because our son surely, surely carries you in every fiber of his being. Happy birthday my little prince!