A Moment of Reflection

Time

As I watch my friends and fellow bloggers reflect upon the end of the year, I have a sense of joy for all that is happening to others around me. There is a feature that keeps rolling across my Faceb.ook timeline called “Year in Review”.  Seeing the year that my friends and family have had, makes me smile at their successes and achievements, while continuing to wish them well on the not so great moments.

For me, the year was defined by my husband’s death. Maybe in years to come 2012 will have an abundance of layered memories. But at this moment, the singular, overarching thought is simply that in 2012 my husband died.  Oh there’s more of course. As a ripple to his death, my heart experienced blackness I didn’t know existed, my mind was pushed near the point of madness and my life changed course in the most unexpected of ways.

So, it is with bittersweet apprehension that I peek at 2013.  I can already sense the great relief at seeing a different year in “print”, while acknowledging that 2012 represents a time when my husband was alive and with us. I spotted the quotation above and it struck a chord.  We thought we had more time. Who’s to say how much more time, but we didn’t see his time here on earth ending in June.  2013 starts anew without him.  There will never be another calendar year in which he is present.  There isn’t a day that I don’t think of him at least a dozen times. But he isn’t here.  And I am.  I continue to push forward in fits and starts. Some days I experience bursts of laughter so true and authentic that I feel guilt, even as my face cracks a smile. Other days I feel waves of despair so deep and dark that I think this will be the one to push me over the edge and I struggle to hold it together.

But held it together is what I’ve done. Yup, I’ve done it for 6.5 months.  Not with a flourish or exclamation point.  No, rather with a battered dingy, full of holes and a roll of super sticky duct tape that keeps getting tangled in my hands.  I can’t stop thanking God for this special duct tape though.  My duct tape is made up of tears, deep breaths, long periods of silence, held breath, collective prayer, family, friends and tons of wine.

We have survived my 36th birthday, my 8th wedding anniversary, my husband’s 37th birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Oh what an emotional ride this holiday season has been.  Tonight, NYE marks a “holiday” full of traditions that we built over the years, but that he and I won’t ever share again.

My prayer for 2013 is that I remain gentle with myself as I certainly know there is no “end” to what I’m experiencing while trying to be as in the moment as I can with our son, Little TDJ.   May peace and blessings be upon all of you and your loved ones, today and in the year to come.

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Comments

  1. Jamie says

    I wish you the best New Year possible as I know no words can sooth what you are feeling, this yr has been horrible and I’m going through something similar that happened around he same time as yours. I want to encourage you because that seems to help me deal with what I’m currently going thru, I will keep you and lil man in my prayers, God blees :-)

  2. T.a.c.D says

    i wish you the ability to continue to just BE, in whatever sense you have to be for whatever moment. you are beyond words for me and i truly wish you and lil TDJ the very best, sincerly in my prayers.

  3. says

    MrsTDJ-
    My heart continues to go out to you and LittleTDJ. You both are in my prayers.

    My father was killed by a family member on November 8. Some days, my grief is overwhelming because the one thing that holds me back is that I never got to say goodbye. And, it’s like I’m mourning two losses because both of these people mean so much to me. It just doesn’t seem fair; I want my daddy here to be a part of the major and minor events in my life. Le sigh.

    I pray that your 2013 is overwhelming with His grace to help you through.

  4. Alecia_HBOP says

    Be gentle with yourself. You have to grieve..It takes time. These were all “first”. .. Happy 2013 to you, Little TDJ and the rest of your wonderful family

  5. says

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My I didn’t know! I offer you late condolences and will keep you in my prayers. All I can say is, time heals all wounds, though you will always have good memories. I know you’re hurting and you will grieve but remain strong if you can for your child. Call on your friends if you have too! Know that your blogging friends are hear to read your thoughts and feelings when you need us. Bless you sister and know that as you continue to lean on God for your strength, He will continue to carry you. {{Hugs}}

  6. Bridgette says

    I will join you in those prayer requests for yourself. Although I don’t know you, your bravery just in waking up and facing the day and sharing some of the details of your life with strangers, is amazing. I’m happy that God gave you a handsome little son because I’m sure his presence is a huge driving force in your life. I’m so very sorry that you had to endure such pain in 2012 and my prayer is that it will ease as you continue to move forward in your new normal.

  7. says

    Just now seeing this. God Bless you Mrs. TDJ. I pray that the New Year brings you some sort of happiness. I cannot even begin to imagine what you have been through and/or are going through. All I know is that I wish you peace.

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