Yesterday I received a wedding invitation to a cousin’s wedding for this November and I laughed so hard when I opened it that my husband thought I had gone bonkers. Before receiving that wedding invitation, she and I had not spoken nor had any contact since we were 10 years old. Lemme tell ya why.
I was born and raised in NYC, but my family is from the south. Mom’s fam is from Aiken, SC and dad’s fam is from Augusta, GA. Aiken and Augusta are spitting distance from each other, so every summer my parents and I drove “down south”. Ya’ll know that term? Ask anybody from, dare I say, north of Maryland, what the term means and you’ll laugh. We referred to anything south of Philly as “down south”, be it Maryland or Alabama. Anyway, we stopped in Aiken for 4 days, then continued on to Augusta to spend a week there. After that, my parents would head back to NY and I’d stay for another 3 weeks. Ya know, getting to know the kinfolk. The cousin in question, let’s call her Too Fly, and I are the same age. We are both spoiled only children and when together, we were either best friends or sworn enemies. The summer of 1986, we turned 10 and we were sworn enemies. Our feud had begun a few days after I arrived and I can’t remember the beginning. I can’t recall why it started, but the ending is quite vivid.
It was 2 weeks into my 3 week stay and the heat in Augusta was unbearable. When I was in town, Too Fly and I stayed with her grandparents (my Great Uncle and Aunt). By the time my Great Auntie cooked our breakfast and put us out the house for the day, it was already 100 degrees and humid as hell. We ran to the backyard to play. My Great Uncle was a construction worker and his specialty was laying bricks. So, behind the house was always a huge pile of bricks. This particular morning, I suggested that we build a house and Too Fly agreed. She offered to work on the front and I agreed to work on the back.
For hours in the hot sun, we were lifting, dragging and stacking bricks to make our version of a house. (sidebar – 
what the heck is wrong with the kids today? We know how to make ANYTHING fun. We were stacking bricks ya’ll. WTH??) We took a break when my Auntie brought out sandwiches and fresh brewed sun tea. Working on the house together made our feud seem silly! As with most childhood fights, by the end of lunch, we were the best of friends. We continued working, chatting and making big plans for our house. We were going to use her Wonder Woman blanket in our shared bedroom. We planned to pick wild flowers from the field by the house to decorate. Big, big plans.
When we each finally yelled that we were finished, we were so elated that we hugged and spun around in a circle. Then she ran to the back to check out my work and I ran to the front to check out her work. As I rounded the corner, I couldn’t believe my eyes. You see, Too Fly was skinny, and ya girl TDJ was chubby. She was Kenny/”BUD” to my Peter (a la The Cosby Show). Or she could play Ricky to my Doughboy (a la “Boyz in the Hood”). Ya’ll understand? Let me tell ya’ll what she did. She made the front door teeny weeny small. I mean, so small that she was going to have to enter sideways, while holding her breath and praying for a helpful breeze. So obviously, I wasn’t going to even come close to getting in that little house.
My little eyes began to tear and I called out to her and she came running.
Me: Too Fly, why’d you make the door so small? I can’t get in the house.
Too Fly: Oops! Sorry fatty. You can’t get in, but I can.
Then she skipped over to the doorway and slid inside, then back out. She repeated this about a million times while chanting, “I’M IN. I’M OUT. I’M IN. I’M OUT.”
Well folks, something inside me snapped. (Do ya’ll watch that show “Snapped” on the Oxygen channel? I love it. Check it out.) Growing up as a chubby child, I’d experienced my share of name calling from kids at school and neighborhood kids that I didn’t know well. But, never had a friend or family member made fun at my expense. When I say, I snapped ya’ll, I mean it. I blame it on the hot Georgia sun and the 5 pounds of sugar in that sweet tea. I sprinted over to the doorway of that little brick house and the next time Too Fly slid inside yelling, “I’M IN”, I pushed with both hands and all my strength. That little brick house toppled over and her skinny ass was at the bottom of the pile! Then I yelled, “NOW STAY IN!”
Now of course, in hindsight, I realize that I could have killed that girl. But, it was purely in self defense, 
your honor! I was defending myself against an evil, bratty, skinny cousin. As Too Fly cried out in pain and shock, Auntie came shuffling out the house to see what the commotion was and I took off inside to call my personal angel. I grabbed the telephone and dialed the operator. When she picked up, I said, “Operator, I need to make a collect call to my grandma.” Once my call was connected and my grandmother picked up the phone, the floodgates opened. “Grandma! I don’t like Too Fly, I don’t like Georgia and I want to come home. Please make my parents come get me or I’m just gonna die.” Come on, I was an only child and prone to be just a tad bit melodramatic.
Well, my grandma, who we call LuLu around these parts, rules with an iron fist and nobody better mess with her oldest grandbaby. Ya’ll know my daddy showed up the next morning right? *lol* Umm humh, yep, sure did. She called, he listened and then he hopped in the car and drove all night to be there when I woke up. I was already packed, because I knew that my Grandma would not let me down. My daddy and my Auntie talked a bit and then it was time to hit the road. Too Fly waved from the porch, as our car drove away. She looked like the walking wounded with a busted, fat lip, three band aids on her face, six on her arms and 4 on her legs. I waved back and giggled softly.
After that summer, I never visited Georgia again. Not sure why exactly, but I’m sure that incident had a little something to do with it. Junior high and life kicked in, so we never spoke again. Hubby and I might pack up and 
head to her wedding. I promise to leave the bricks at home.
*****Note from MrsTDJ – We weren’t able to attend the wedding, but I did send them a nice gift, along with a custom mug for my cousin that said, “I survived the Brick Storm of ’86”. She called me after their honeymoon and we had a good laugh. I finally made it down to visit in ’09 and we couldn’t be closer now*****
Ever got into any memorable fights with family members? Siblings? Cousins? How long before ya’ll made up? Everything cool now or are things still chilly?
T..D..J. (That’s me calling your whole name like you are in trouble). That chile could’ve died!! Buuuuut…knowing that she didn’t, makes this a hilarious story! I just see her little body popping in and out of this house and then getting bricks rained on her head! Whoa lawdie!! Glad your parents were on your side with that one.
Bwahahaha! I know, right?? In that moment, I wanted to knock her block off, but I didn’t realize that it was a real possibility!
Yeah, when I got home, the parents gave me a lecture and I wasn’t allowed the Cosby Show or Little House on the Prairie for 3 whole weeks as punishment.
Okay so maybe I started reading your blog earlier than I thought because I remember this post….VIVIDLY! And I laughed just as hard!
When did you start reading? I’m gonna have to go back and see when you actually started commenting. I didn’t realize that I had been blogging for as long as I had. *lol*
I read blogs like books so I went back on yours and I remember this and it is still hilarious! She could’ve died, but I see your side too. I don’t like to ridiculed and she was asking for it! LOL!
I had a full all out fist fight with my cousin in her parents house. She was being mean to my sister and called me a b***h when I defended my sis. I don’t take to kindly to being called a b***h by anyone so I kicked her butt. We did not speak for about 3 years and we weren’t cool for real until last year. ( yeah we were adults) o_O
Same comment I had for AR Gal – When did you start reading? I’m gonna have to go back and see when you actually started commenting.
Ha ha! You go for defending your sis! If not you, then who? And I can totally understand not becoming cool until adulthood.
My sister and I have had many, many DON’T TALK TO ME fights and one particularly memorable fight that ended with me moving to Pittsburgh b/c I was sick of my mom putting up with her foolishness. Ended up being one of the best moves of my life but I was PISSED. We don’t have a great relationship still. Very on and off. She takes EVERYTHING I say personally to the point I can’t take it. DEAD @ But, it was purely in self defense, your honor! ROTFL!! Just stop!
Hmm, I’m curious – who’s older? LOL @ you moving because you were pissed, but it turning out to be a great thing! Love it!
To answer your question…nooo…lol I missed out on allll this!
All of it???? LOL!! Man, I’ve got some stories about my cousins and me. I’ll keep you entertained!
Love it Mrs T That gave me a good laugh this morning. I don’t have many these days. Keep up the good work and I will sure to come back to visit.
Happy to help lady!!
I am an only child too! I know my share of drama! I have had falling outs with family as an adult but I tend to give in after a while because for some reason I just don’t feel right being at odds with family and friends close enough to be family. Everybody else can take a hike!
Hey my fellow only child!! It’s funny you say that, because I’ve never had a feud go so long as this one did. Usually, I’ll stew for a few days, then make peace. I think that the distance from NY to GA (our age) helped to keep this one going.
I stay beefing with my relatives. It’s deep. Of course I have love for the majority of them but it’s just that I hate fake ish, and that’s usually how I perceive the majority of them.
Oh well.
I was born and raised in the North and my mom lived “Down South” so I understand the term, perfectly. Lol.
For the record, Doughboy was a cool mofo.
I knew my Northern folks would understand the “Down South” reference! *lol* It’s such an all-encompassing term that says everything you need it to say.
Yep, Doughboy was a good character. Never imagined that Cube would turn into the powerhouse that he is.
This story is hella funny, Trip! SO glad that the two of you were able to laugh about it as adults and that you are now closer than ever 🙂
Yeah, we giggled for over an hour. At first she claimed to not recall taunting me, but she relented about 5 minutes into the convo.
That was too funny! I would’ve snapped too. It was one thing that she called you Fatty but then by going in and out and announcing it??? She had it coming to her! Good thing you were spoiled rotten and the next day, you went home. No telling what else she would’ve done. Well, at least you both have the memories to look back on.
You’re right – we could have had a very long, angry and potential dangerous summer! *lol* I’m glad that my parents could understand that.
Girl, LOL You know you kill me. Love the mug!
I love this story. I could just see your cousin jumping in and out of that door. I know I would have done the same thing. My sister lives in Augusta, now for about 20 years. Settled there after leaving the military.
High Five!! She deserved something be done to her! *lol*
Now, as an adult, I absolutely love Augusta. Wonderful place to raise a family. I’m not surprised that people relocate there.
Omygoodness!!! I am so very late , but this was oh so very funny. Thank you for that laugh on a Monday morning. Hilarious!
Never too late for a laugh! Thanks for stopping by. Come back soon!